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    The Amateur Amateur: But Are You a Real Ham?

    By Gary Hoffman, KB0H, and Nancy Hoffman, N0NJ
    April 4, 2003


    This time, we run down the criteria that determine whether or not you're a real ham.


    Ham radio isn't what it used to be. It has had to evolve over the years to stay alive. One change, I believe, is that it is now easier to get an Amateur Radio license. Mind you, I'm not complaining; it was a necessary change. But some veteran hams are unhappy.

    I don't particularly like being called a "no-code Extra" or a "ham lite," but I do empathize with those folks who worked harder to get their licenses than I did (back in the "old days," we had to draw circuit diagrams for the General exam. Can you say "Colpitts oscillator," boys and girls?--Ed).

    Anyway, I can see both sides of the issue, and I don't propose to debate it here. You are an Amateur Radio operator if you have a valid license. Period.

    Now, whether or not you are a "real ham" is something we can argue endlessly. Don't be concerned about what anyone else says. Whether or not you are a real ham is all up to you. If you need some reassurance, though, my wife Nancy and I have developed some guidelines to help you determine if you make the cut.

    Personal

    You are a real ham if:

  • for any reason, you ever appeared in QST.

    Yes, a real ham lives on this street.

  • you are more than 70 years old and actually don't mind being called "Old Man."

  • you have more than three baseball caps bearing your call sign--each of them different.

  • you cried during the movies Contact and Frequency.

  • much of your vocabulary consists of three letter "words" that begin with "Q."

    Family

    You are a real ham if:

  • you met your spouse at Hamvention.

  • you named your first boy Gordon or Riley.

  • your preschooler doesn't know her ABCs but does know her dit-dahs.

  • your dog recognizes you by call sign rather than as "Mommy" or "Daddy."

    Driving

    You are a real ham if:

  • the car wash turns away your vehicle because it takes too long to remove all of the antennas.

  • you identify types of mobile antennas before identifying the model of the car sporting them.

  • instead of leaning on your horn to show displeasure, you honk out a disparaging remark in Morse code.

    Vacationing

    You are a real ham if:

    No matter where you are, you can go outside and immediately spot at least thirty antennas.

  • when vacationing, you insist on staying on the top floor of the hotel (because of the antenna opportunities or a better shot at the local repeaters from your hand-held).

  • your luggage always creates panic among airport security as it passes through the X-ray machine.

  • the first thing you do when you arrive in a new city is look up the nearest Radio Shack or ham radio emporium.

  • you feel your hotel should include a complimentary Repeater Directory.

  • no matter where you are, you can go outside and immediately spot at least 30 antennas.

    Home and Neighbors

    You are a real ham if:

  • lightning strikes your house more often than any other local structure.

  • a typical mail delivery consists of one bill, ten electronics catalogs, and, occasionally, a hefty brown envelope from the QSL bureau.

  • your house shows up as a magnetic anomaly on satellite imaging.

  • you've had at least one argument with local authorities (or a neighbor) regarding what you have on your roof.

    What you'd like to see waiting for you in the hotel room.

  • your street has a name like "Hightower Trail."

  • at least three neighbors per week complain that you are interfering with their TV sets, telephones, or kitchen appliances.

  • at least one neighbor fears that you are using your moonbounce array to contact the mother ship.

    Operating

    You are a real ham if:

  • you really have contacted aliens.

  • as the "Doomsday Asteroid" approaches Earth, you try to make a few last contacts via meteor scatter.

    Attitude

    You are a real ham if:

  • you think that wallpaper cannot be bought in a store.

  • looking at huge construction cranes immediately gives rise to thoughts of erecting a gigantic 160-meter array.

  • the hole in the ozone layer doesn't disturb you half as much as the possibility that the Air Force HAARP project might punch a hole in the F Layer.

  • you understood and at least chuckled at any five items in these lists.

    Editor's note: ARRL member Gary Hoffman, KB0H, lives in Florissant, Missouri. He's been a ham since 1995. Hoffman says his column's name -- "The Amateur Amateur" -- suggests the explorations of a rank amateur, not those of an experienced or knowledgeable ham. His wife, Nancy, is N0NJ. Hoffman has a ham-related Web page. Readers are invited to contact the author via e-mail.

       



    Page last modified: 03:27 PM, 03 Apr 2003 ET
    Page author: awextra@arrl.org
    Copyright © 2003, American Radio Relay League, Inc. All Rights Reserved.