The Amateur Amateur:
But Are
You a Real Ham?
By Gary Hoffman, KB0H, and Nancy Hoffman, N0NJ
April 4, 2003
This time, we
run down the criteria that determine whether or not you're a real ham.
Ham radio isn't what it used to be. It has
had to evolve over the years to stay alive. One change, I believe, is that it
is now easier to get an Amateur Radio license. Mind you, I'm not complaining; it was
a necessary change. But some veteran hams are unhappy.
I don't particularly like being called a
"no-code Extra" or a "ham lite," but I do empathize with those folks who worked
harder to get their licenses than I did (back in the "old days," we had to draw
circuit diagrams for the General exam. Can you say "Colpitts oscillator," boys
and girls?--Ed).
Anyway, I can see both sides of the issue,
and I don't propose to debate it here. You are an Amateur Radio operator if you
have a valid license. Period.
Now, whether or not you are a "real ham"
is something we can argue endlessly. Don't be concerned about what anyone else
says. Whether or not you are a real ham is all up to you. If you need
some reassurance, though, my wife Nancy and I have developed some guidelines to
help you determine if you make the cut.
Personal
You are a real ham if:
for any reason, you ever appeared in QST.
 Yes, a real ham lives on this street. |
you are more than 70 years old and
actually don't mind being called "Old Man."
you have more than three baseball caps
bearing your call sign--each of them different.
you cried during the movies Contact
and Frequency.
much of your vocabulary consists of
three letter "words" that begin with "Q."
Family
You are a real ham if:
you met your spouse at Hamvention.
you named your first boy Gordon or Riley.
your preschooler doesn't know her ABCs
but does know her dit-dahs.
your dog recognizes you by call sign
rather than as "Mommy" or "Daddy."
Driving
You are a real ham if:
the car wash turns away your vehicle
because it takes too long to remove all of the antennas.
you identify types of mobile antennas
before identifying the model of the car sporting them.
instead of leaning on your horn to show
displeasure, you honk out a disparaging remark in Morse code.
Vacationing
You are a real ham if:
 No matter where you are, you can go outside
and immediately spot at least thirty antennas. |
when vacationing, you insist on staying
on the top floor of the hotel (because of the antenna opportunities or a better
shot at the local repeaters from your hand-held).
your luggage always creates panic among
airport security as it passes through the X-ray machine.
the first thing you do when you arrive in
a new city is look up the nearest Radio Shack or ham radio emporium.
you feel your hotel should include a
complimentary Repeater Directory.
no matter where you are, you can go
outside and immediately spot at least 30 antennas.
Home
and Neighbors
You are a real ham if:
lightning strikes your house more often
than any other local structure.
a typical mail delivery consists of one
bill, ten electronics catalogs, and, occasionally, a hefty brown envelope from
the QSL bureau.
your house shows up as a magnetic anomaly
on satellite imaging.
you've had at least one argument with
local authorities (or a neighbor) regarding what you have on your roof.
 What you'd like
to see waiting for you in the hotel room. |
your street has a name like "Hightower
Trail."
at least three neighbors per week
complain that you are interfering with their TV sets, telephones, or kitchen
appliances.
at least one neighbor fears that you are
using your moonbounce array to contact the mother ship.
Operating
You are a real ham if:
you really have contacted aliens.
as the "Doomsday Asteroid" approaches
Earth, you try to make a few last contacts via meteor scatter.
Attitude
You are a real ham if:
you think that wallpaper cannot be bought
in a store.
looking at huge construction cranes
immediately gives rise to thoughts of erecting a gigantic 160-meter array.
the hole in the ozone layer doesn't
disturb you half as much as the possibility that the Air Force HAARP project
might punch a hole in the F Layer.
you understood and at least chuckled at
any five items in these lists.
Editor's note: ARRL member Gary Hoffman, KB0H, lives in Florissant, Missouri. He's been
a ham since 1995. Hoffman says his column's name -- "The Amateur Amateur" --
suggests the explorations of a rank amateur, not those of an experienced or
knowledgeable ham. His wife, Nancy, is N0NJ. Hoffman has a ham-related Web page. Readers are
invited to contact the author via
e-mail.
Page last modified: 03:27 PM, 03 Apr 2003 ET
Page author: awextra@arrl.org
Copyright © 2003, American Radio Relay League, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
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